she's buried on benediction hill at forest lawn glendale.
ironic how she's buried in an hill, that overlooks my neighborhood and surrounding areas.
i'll embellish more on the past few days when i can. or when i feel is right.
whatever happens. happens.
one thing is for sure - i love my family.
they're pretty awesome. (:
i love my baby nieces. they're so adorable.
even though sometimes, their running around moments .. give me headaches.
i loved this week. i loved seeing everyone. i love my family.
mmmmmmmmmmm i miss the gatherings.
family reunion. winter break. i am SO down.
around sunday early morning, we got "the call." i don't know what it is, but, zach and i both agreed, that the moment that phone rang, we both knew. the whole hospital thing was going on too long, i knew it had to happen, and like what my dad said, it's better that it happened now, while my family from PI was in california.
i slept, or more like, tried to after staying wide awake since the call, ... and for however long i slept, of course, the dream was one where i just remember me seeing her, on her bed, wide awake and healthy again. i just told her, "i love you, and you know that." she nodded at me and she smiled the same smile i saw when she was last awake. writing this entry, still brings tears to my ears. i guess, the only comfort i get, is seeing all my cousins so often and we're just together, coping.
i don't think i can bring up the strength to remember that she's not on this earth anymore. i can't seem to imagine it. maybe once saturday rolls around, and we`ll be at forest lawn, once again. or maybe it`ll kick in when we stop visiting the nursing home. i dont know. it hasn't kicked in yet.
i don't think it's denial, because i've accepted it. i just don't think that the changes have been intertwined in my daily life. i guess i will be awakened once saturday does roll around.
i'm excited, because i get to see my whole family. it's hard with everyone being everywhere in the freaking world to see everyone, but it's nice to know that people that mean the world to me will be at my church, literally blocks away from where i am now, and we will be all at empress pavilion, all dining, and likely sharing laughs and pictures. from the PI, to AZ, from the bay area, to san deezy, everyone is going to be there. and i can't help but be excited because, i know i`ll be okay, with them.
i'm lucky to have sucha supportive family around me. i think that this is why relatively easy for me to live day by day. seeing my little cousins almost everyday, really does make me happy, and it makes everything a lot brighter than it really is. however, it was during one of this days, when i was with my cousins, when i was chosen to do something that i'm afraid to do; they picked me for the eulogy.
wrong place wrong time? maybe. what if i wasn't there? would have they chosen someone else? it's not that i am not honored to speak at mass on saturday. it's just that, i feel that .. i won't say all the wonderful things that inang stood for well enough, or that ... i will just end up disappointing everyone.
my mom keeps asking me whether i started writing it. but i don't think i`ll honestly be ready to write my grandmother's eulogy.
everyone is going to be there. heck my family from my mom's side is going to be there. all at my church, saturday morning, and i`ll be speaking in front of .. uh ... 150 of them. sure, i did public speaking, but let me remind you, that i did that infront of at most ... 50 people.
i just want to make everyone proud. i just want the words that will come out of my mouth during that seemingly depressing day, to lift their spirits up. i want to make everyone happy, when i speak. it's just intimidating knowing that i want to accomplish this for people that i love with all my heart. i'm not scared, i'm just .. intimidated.
i'm part excited, and part dreading the last three days of this week. excited, to see everyone that i love ... but dreading the fact, that my grandmother ... isn't around to flash me her thoughtful smile. ):
i feel weak. my phone has a kajillion missed calls, from concerned friends, and i haven't really returned any of them. i just feel weak, and not ready to face everyone's sympathy. maybe, that's when it'll hit me. none of my family members have really ... faced the fact yet.
i don't know what's going to happen. all the grandkids are doing something. the boys will be pall bearers, the girls, are readers / speakers, and the babies are the presenting the gifts.
i'm not ready for this. but i do have some comfort knowing that my cousins, my loves .. my everythings will be there told guide me on this difficult time, because we're all going through it together. all 83403895 of us.
my thoughts are all jumbled. sorry.
ACCORDING THE WIKIPEDIA.ORG
BARACK OBAMA LIVES IN EAGLE ROCK.
WHY DO I FIND THAT SO FUNNY?
me, ashley and christie running around the haunted hallways of mayfield senior school. freaking haunted mansions. haha.
it's 4am, and even though i am sick, i can't fall asleep. i have a bad feeling, that can't shake off. i really really hope this isn't like what happened, two years ago. UGH, stupid.. feelings. grrr
MEREDITH: [narrating] "At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say. They're what you do. Some things you say because you have no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves."
MEREDITH: [narrating] "Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. The funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need."
MEREDITH: [narrating] "A good basketball game can have us all on the edge of our seats. Games are all about the glory, pain and the play-by-play. Then there are the more solitary games. The ones we play all by ourselves. The social games, the mind games. We use them to pass the time to make life more interesting... to distract us from what's really going on. There are those of us who love to play games, any games. And there are those of us who love to play a little too much."
MEREDITH: [narrating] "No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie."
MEREDITH: [narrating] "As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If youre lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal."
MEREDITH: [narrating] "As doctors, we're trained to be skeptical, because patients lie to us all the time. The rule is, every patient is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth. Honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree. Whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth... the truth freaking hurts."
MEREDITH: [narrating] "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."
sooo imagine this. my WHOLE family watching justin timberlake's concert on HBO.
ahaha i loved it.
and my parents. dancing to "sexyback" omg i DIED. i love myyy parents! (:
ooooh weeeee! and then my parents holding hands during the slow songs. SHOOT ME IN THE FACE ! LASJFLJAFLSJ ahahhaha nonetheless, ahahah i love justin timberlake. weee!
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will findWhat goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around--- what goes around;
i've been keeping myself occupied...
like playing the GUITAR.
fsho. (;
dr yang - "get up, everyone has problems"
...
derek shepherd- you alright?
meredith grey -"i have a feeling"
shepherd - "i get those
grey - yeah ?
shepherd - yeah .
grey - and?
shepherd - if you wait long enough, it passes.
grey - promise?
shepherd -i promise
grey - [walks into elevator; dr. montgomery-shepherd walks in and sees her husband in distress]
m-shepherd - hey whatchu doing?
shepherd - *sigh* waiting for it to pass. [walks away]
from grey's anatomy season 2 - episode 16: "it's the end of the world"
